For those who’ve read my stuff along the way, you’ll know it’s been quite a while since I’ve put anything into words. To be honest, I’ve been enjoying a bit of life and not worrying much about writing everything down. But I’ve also been contemplating how to write this one for longer than I care to admit.
See, today is my oldest child’s 16th birthday. And the new old car, and newer smart phone, and all the “happy birthdays” her dad can package up don’t do near the justice to the love I have for her. I told her a little bit ago, “”You get one life to live. Live it. Wisely, fun, whatever. Live it however you define it. Don’t let life box you in. You be the box-maker.”
Some parents would cringe at that advice. Some will pat me on the back and say “great job”. Truth be told, I don’t care much for opinions of others when it comes to my kiddos. They, like all of us, have their own strengths and challenges…their own talking points…their own sensitivities. And I usually think of myself as a reasonably good communicator and relator. But I digress…
In these past 16 years, we’ve both done lots of growing up. Some of it by choice…some of it by chance…and some of it like nobody ever saw coming. I’m so proud…so so proud of what this child has become, I can’t really put it into words. Resilience is a word that gets overused in discussing people who come through things with flying colors, etc – but my daughter is certainly resilient. Bravery is often used to describe warriors – but I think she defines a sort of bravery…those of you who were teenage girls – or heck, teenagers in general know what I’m talking about.
Adventurous is another term I’d brand her with…but perhaps not in a way many people think of adventure. From her earliest years, she’s managed not one week of camp away from home every summer…but 5. Topping that off, she added a few weeks away from home each summer to attend an academic camp. None of these have ever made me all that happy – but like my advice from above – “live it how you define it”.
This child has very much “defined it”.
I mentioned in a previous post our favorite song from the group Train, “Drops of Jupiter”. More and more this past year, I’ve felt like the writer in this song as it relates to my daughter. Throughout the song, the singer beckons the target of his affection:
“Tell me”
Such as, tell me “did you sail across the sun?”
Tell me “did you make it to the Milky Way?”
Tell me “did you fall for a shooting star?”
Tell me “did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?”
Tell me “did the wind sweep you off your feet?”
Tell me “did you finally get a chance to dance along the light of day?”
Tell me “did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find?”
Tell me “did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?”
I so feel all these things – especially when she returns from her summer weeks away. I just want to know what all has happened…what experiences she’s had…what was great…what wasn’t so great. And it hits me summer after summer, day after day really – she’s got her own life. She’s living that life. Living those choices. Living through her own good and not-so-good decisions.
She’s…frankly…a person.
And that causes me to reflect on plenty.
I reflect on my own choices. I reflect on good and bad decisions. I reflect on my health – emotional, physical, etc. But mostly, I reflect on my job as a dad. I’ve done reasonably okay in many categories, and flopped in others. I can’t help but thank God that my child has the aforementioned resilience. It’s her resilience that has often covered for my shortcomings.
The song says in one line, “she reminds me that there’s room to grow”. Anybody reading this ever feel the same? So often the fatherhood experience sends gentle (and plenty of not-so-gentle) reminders that there’s room for us to grow. My oldest has, over the years, given me lots of room to grow while she’s been doing her own growing.
Scottie;
I love you. I have since the moment I found out you were coming into this world. If a love can grow daily, my love for you certainly has. And as you’ve grown older, and needed me less and less, I want you to remember that no matter how those drops of Jupiter play out, I’m here. Good, bad, or ugly – no matter how life gets, I’m here.
You remember our old Pastor Dennis Wilkinson. I had lunch with him one day while trying to force my own resilience. I told him all these big plans I thought God had for me and, so wisely, he pointed out (in a way I’m going to butcher) that God wasn’t all about the big things. While those certainly are great and all, He really just wants to come along with me for the ride.
I guess I totally get that now. Not saying that I’m God by any stretch, but I understand the feeling when it comes to you and your little brother. I want to hear how things are going…I want to see your life experiences…I want to experience some of it with you. I, simply, want to come along with you for the ride sometimes.
If I get in your way sometimes, I’m sorry. Understand my duty as dad. And understand my undying love for you.
And beyond everything else, remember that I love you with an everlasting and endless love. Through all the ups and downs, the easy and the challenging, the camp songs I’m not allowed to play on the radio, the videos of us singing fairly awfully together…through anything and everything, I’ll always love you kiddo. 6, 16, or 60 and beyond. You’re my kiddo and I’m so blessed God picked me to be your dad.
Love,
Dad
And here’s our song for you…and if it’s a camp song, listen anyway and tell me the tears you’re crying are for me rather than camp. 😉
My thoughts on things... 