Hi gang;

It’s been a while.  I certainly hope you all are well and blessed.

I won’t spend much time sugar-coating today – too much, really, is at stake to avoid losing you early in an email.

When the topic of forgiveness comes along, so many of us think we’ve got a good grasp of it.  Some of the best folks I know, though, don’t really do a good job of forgiving their very own self…how about you?

God has blessed me so richly in recent months that it’s hard to get a reasonable enough understanding to put it into words.  Most of you know me well enough to know if I can’t put it in words; it must be really mixed up in my brain!  You’re not far off.

The people I’ve met this year…that is to say, met and/or reconnected with, have so many stories…some of which I’ve shared on here.  I have been reconnected with a very dear friend who lost a long-awaited baby girl at birth.  I’ve met yet another who had two tragic losses in her life over the span of a couple of years.  Another whose brush with death was so real, that she remembers all but the face of the man you could only assume to be either an angel or Jesus Himself telling her that it wasn’t her time to be there yet.  I’ve met one who lost a sweet girl after 10 months of life…and whose twin sister faces very serious surgery in less than 2 weeks from this email.

I keep wondering why…

In a chat the other day with my friend, Tony…I confided some of these very thoughts.  He was the first on that list above.  His ultimate comment was that perhaps this was simply because I’ve experienced my own loss, albeit over 20 years ago now, and somehow I could help folks deal better with it.

As much as I like that thought, I found there was more to it than that…

A very good friend shared this video with me this week…watch it…maybe once today…maybe again in a few days…but watch it.

I don’t remember the timing of everything that happened this week but at some point Wednesday I was so overwhelmed with the emotions of meeting so many who have been dealt some painful cards…overwhelmed with their pain, or what I assumed it should be…that I finally had to walk away from it and drive over to see my dad’s grave.

I spent a few minutes there…saying hi to Dad and Uncle Joe.  I walked over and saw my old classmate, Shane Patterson, who died my senior year in High School in a very tragic traffic accident.  To get to dad’s grave, you’ve got to walk through one of the smaller babies sections of the cemetery.  Because of all the recent activity in my own life, I thought it would be worth strolling through that section…looking at each name and date…

When I got home, I confided to another friend that there had often been times I’ve said that “if I could’ve only been in my dorm room the night that dad called.”

She hit me with it…”Tim, you’ve really got to get past that.”

POW…I think a gust of wind would’ve knocked me over after that.

I never realized that I hadn’t…I didn’t really want to bring him back, I just wanted the chance to tell him I loved him again.  When dad had his last heart attack, mom had been in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner.  There was no noise…no event…she just came around the corner and he was gone.  She never knew about a time of death but approximated it by a phone bill she got the next billing cycle.  There she saw an entry for somewhere around 7:30 PM the night dad died…to my dorm room.  I had a walk the next morning in my 8:00 am class so I wasn’t in my dorm studying…wait, I really don’t remember studying much anyway, but for sure I wasn’t there that night.  (sorry, mom!).

I was introduced to Diamond Rio song that I think I’ve probably heard before…but this week especially…it meant more.  The song is called One More Day…the lyrics are at the bottom of this email.  It’s so true the thought…that all I’d want if I could turn back and tell Pops I loved him, is to have another day.  The days have to end somewhere, the memories don’t.

Most of the emotions behind these feelings are guilt.  I’ve said before that guilt is in no way a tool of God.  Never.  Guilt is a very damaging tool that the evil forces fighting God’s kingdom can use to very easily derail us on our roads to glorifying God.  I really thought I had a good grip on that until my friend’s comment.  Rather than refute it…which of course was my initial reaction, I asked her what she meant.  I know well enough that others can often see in us what we can’t see in ourselves.  Wanting April 14, 1988 back just so I could selfishly have some sort of closure by telling Pops I loved him…why?  What’s that gonna do that I can’t already do right here…today?  It’s selfishness…it’s guilt…it’s many bad emotions wrapped together in a nice little pity package.

By all means, it’s okay to miss dad.  By all means, it is not only okay but expected that I still have very strong emotions for him.  But beating myself up because I didn’t take the time to tell him I loved him?  Beating myself up for rushing him out of my way before I left on my senior choir trip because I had responsibilities to tend to – only to come home to see him crying on the kitchen table?  I’m sure I could conjure up so many guilt-ridden stories related to my old man, we’d all be in tears.

It does no good.  I’ll never move on.  I’ll never experience ALL that God is trying to give me if I don’t move on.  That video above explains it all without a single word.  Christ came to die for our sins…to erase shame, guilt, and any other ill-effects of bad decisions we’ve made along the way.  Accepting that gift from above only half-way isn’t accepting God’s grace to its fullest.

I think I’ve been a pretty good Christian guy along the way, but this week I realized just how far away I am from where I want to be.  Thanks to all my friends, old and new, for opening my eyes a little, there.

It’s a beautiful day today – enjoy it…and if things are nagging you underneath it all, get it out there, clear it, and move on.  That is what it takes to really feel God’s Grace.

Folks, in closing, I’d like to share the story of that friend whose twin sister is facing surgery.  I’ll keep it brief.  Jessy is a 32 year old mother of 2 living in Wisconsin.  Jessy was a Division I collegiate swimmer…very active…very athletic.  Jessy’s also a very strong Christian woman…knowing and expecting a miracle just as the rest of us are.  Not too long ago, doctors discovered an operable brain aneurysm that is now about 6mm in diameter.  Only by reading some of her old Facebook posts am I able to understand that typically the medical profession operates when the size gets to 4mm.  This week, Jessy’s surgery date was set for June 13.  Between this very second and mid-June, please lift Jessy up in prayer every time you think about it.  Go home and squeeze your kids and your loved ones and remember Jessy.  Go to your churches and put her on prayer lists.  Please do everything you can.  For her, she can’t wait to start exercising again…this is just a temporary restraint.  I love her faith and hope to have that much every day in my own life.

I wish you all peace like never before…and please, forgive yourselves.  If God could forgive you, who are you to override Him?

Tim

***
Lyrics from Diamond Rio’s One More Day

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn’t ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

Chorus

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I’d do, is pray for time to crawl
Then Id unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I’d hold you every second
Say a million I love yous
That’s what I’d do, with one more day with you

Chorus

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day