Good morning everyone!

Well, it happened…I turned 40.  Good thing is, I’m still alive.  My back gave out over the weekend, but I think it was related more to wrestling with Ward and Scottie than age, who knows!  We had a fun time between all the food celebrations, soccer games, and kids’ choice awards, etc.  I’m ready for a nap – that’s for certain!

A friend of mine asked me an intriguing question yesterday – and it caught me a little off guard.  But you know, I realized in giving my answer that maybe some of my own personal growth (counselor-assisted and otherwise – haha!) is starting to work.  The question was this, “What’s the difference between feeling your feelings and having a pity party?”

Great question, huh?  Some of you may find an obvious answer to this, but to some, this may be a completely gray area for you.  It was for me for a long time.

You hear about the fine line between being rich and broke.  Or the fine line between love and hate.  Or even the fine line between sanity and the loony bin.  If all these lines are so fine, how the heck have I managed to come out on what I’d consider the “better” side?  I think the answer to the query above could be, in some minds a very fine line, but when you really sit down and take a closer look, you’ll see a canyon of difference between the two sides.

To me the answer, now, is fairly simple.  And as a quick side note, I, by no means, am immune to the pity party.  Most of you know I LOVE to throw parties – especially if I get to cook – but pity parties usually aren’t all that well attended!  Anyway, to me, the “fine line” between feeling your feelings and having a pity party is how much you are victimized by the feeling.  In other words, when we choose to allow an event/person/etc get us in a sad state, some go so far as to blame that event/person/etc for their emotion.  It’s not to say that perhaps there is some blame to be laid…but the more dramatic side of us will kick in and start talking in absolutes: “I never get my way”, “I’m always the last one”, “When is it going to be my turn”, etc.  For some of us, this rather childish reaction to not-so-good emotions is the only way we know to deal with the bad things that happen in life.

I’m the last one to say hold in your feelings.  I really don’t think this is a good way to cope.  There may be times we need to manage those feelings until we have a safe place to let it out, but that doesn’t mean throwing a pity party.  The need to blame someone else is really a way around truly feeling the feelings and emotions of everyday life.  It’s a route to anger…many of us feel if we can just get mad about something, it’ll change.  That’s crazy!

We all have the power to make choices…we do it every day.  Right this very second, I’m making a choice to get something off my mind in an email rather than burying my head in a mound of work that is calling with a deadline attached.  We also have the power over our feelings…some of us don’t feel that way…our emotions power us rather than the other way around.  To me, this is not a fine line…far from it.  Imagine if you could condition yourself to feel an emotion and then let it pass regardless of the severity of the matter.  It doesn’t mean you don’t pay it valid attention, but it does mean you feel it, deal with it, and move on…no allowing things to linger…this is when emotions drive us.

For those who believe in a higher being, I put it this way to my friend:  You have the power to make choices…God-given power.  Playing what-about-me is blaming God for not giving you the power.

Is that really what you want to do?

For my friend it was eye-opening.  For me it was as well.  When I sit and write these little rants, I may appear to come off as having this stuff licked.  For any of you who think that, there are a couple of books I could send you on not making assumptions.  Much of what I write in these emails is therapeutic for me.  It may be clinically unsound, but, at the same time, I’m not trying to be clinical.  I’m really offering something up that may mean something to someone.

I think most of you know (and if not, well, now you do) that Scottie and I have been playing around with the idea of a divorce for over 3 years now.  We are truly in the last stages of completing everything and I would imagine it’ll be final within a week or two.  The papers are filed, the cooling off period is over, it’s just down to us 2 and the kids (and our attorneys).  I have met some great friends, or, better, reconnected with some great GREAT people over the past two months.  Their divorces were like horror stories.  Some are on here…they’re nodding right now.  I knew these people over 20 years ago and, while you’d never wish anything on anyone, it was amazing to think these sorts of things could actually happen to them.  These are great GREAT people.  We all had fun, laughed, acted silly, and whatever teenagers do together just like kids do.  How could their life steer into such crazy events and mine really be relatively unscathed?  Moreover, how could I ever consider my personal dramas to be any greater than theirs…and in fact, shouldn’t I consider mine less?

You’ve heard the adage…there’s always somebody who’s better…well folks, there’s also always somebody who’s had it worse.  But you know what, they’re not victims.  Perhaps they once saw themselves that way, but they’re take-the-bull-by-the-horns people and they did just that.  All of them came from similar backgrounds, and all pretty much relied on those religious roots for baseline strength.  I bring these “survivors” up because I have often felt a victim in my marriage.  Some of you have known me for a long time and know the situation.  I played a ton of poor-me games over the years.  A man I worked for back in 1999 suggested to me one time that I used the victim defense too often.  I had no idea what he meant.  Ten years later, I fully realize when it’s happening – the times when I slip into that zone.  I’m also happy to report that it happens less and less now.  I no longer feel like a victim in my marriage.  I had the power to choose and I did choose what I have.  And without that choice, I wouldn’t have the two incredibly beautiful, smart, loving children I do.  And what’s more, their mother is a great parent too.  We just have some very different beliefs and never took the time over the years to iron those out…not to mention some not-so-good recent history.

But no victims here.  Not anymore.  I’ve grown out of that.  I’m ready to move on.  I’m ready to live the way I always harp on in these notes…seizing the day, etc.  I don’t want to waste time any more.  Life is there for the grabbing.

It’s time to take responsibility for your power and grab life – don’t you think?
Be peaceful
Tim